she lifts her skirt up to her knees, walks through the garden rows with bare feet, laughing

I think I'm becoming a bit of a yogi. Which is funny to think about because I can barely touch my toes. I took pre-natal yoga classes this fall to make myself feel like I was doing some kind of exercise and I figured it was probably easy (and pre-natal was relatively easy). So when I had left over sessions at Charm City Yoga after Sam was born, I figured I would try out "real" yoga. And I'm hooked. Ready to give up my gym membership, buying tight yoga pants, drinking tea HOOKED.

Last night at my vinyasa class, after savasana, the instructor talked about how if we wanted to "live a magical life" we needed to start loving ourselves rather than putting up with ourselves. I immediately thought "who wouldn't want to live a magical life??" It sounds fantastic! But then my mind snapped out of it's usual sarcastic state and thought about whether I actually loved myself or if I merely put up with myself. It's an interesting question to ask ourselves. I began to analyze.


There are many things about my life that I love. My husband, my son, my family and friends, photography, the farm, etc. I have never been happier in my life actually. I am so blessed to be surrounded by so many wonderful people. I am blessed to be able to start my business with the support of my husband. I am most blessed to have my healthy, smiling baby boy in my life. I feel like my life has just started, too.


Last year, after Henry died, the song "Empty" by Ray Lamontagne was perfect for how I was feeling. The lyrics "will I always feel this way? So empty, so estranged?" were exactly the words for what I was feeling. It's funny that the very first line of that song is something I didn't pay attention to before. I was so focused on the painful words that I didn't pay attention the joyful ones. "She lifts her skirt up to her knees, walks through the garden rows with bare feet, laughing" After one year, I went from so empty to walking in bare feet and laughing. I dont think I could have made it without loving myself. And even if I could have, I dont think I could appreciate those garden rows without loving myself. 


So my answer is yes. I do love myself. And I think my life is pretty darn magical. 


And it will be real magic when I can comfortably get into pigeon pose without grunting.

Baby steps - not literally!

Well last night I put Sam in his crib to sleep for the first time overnight. That lasted about 45 minutes. He started to cry a teeny bit so I promptly jumped out of bed and brought him to lay down in his moses basket by my bed like every other night of his short life. I was thankful for that little cry that woke me out of my anxiety ridden fitful "sleep". I thought I was going to have a panic attack just having him in the other room. The funny thing is I can't see him when he sleeps in his basket. I dont hear him turn or move at night and I dont worry about him when I am asleep. But there was something about the simple fact that he was in another room that I had a hard time with. I thought I was going to have to go sleep on the floor of his room or something - well maybe not really since that seems a bit extreme, but I do wish that Daisy was the kind of dog who wanted to sleep on the floor of Sam's room. She is too selfish and lazy to give up the cushy right side of our bed (Phil has 50% of the bed, Daisy has at least 30%, and the rest is all mine. Jealous??). Maybe we can train her to go in there or something?

In any case, time is running out as Sam is getting too big for the basket so the move to the crib permanently is around the corner...I'm dreading it!

He's pretty darn cute though dont you think?!

Blessed

Dear Henry,

I love you. Today is Mother's Day. Most people see it as my first Mother's Day, but you and I know that it is my second. I became a mother on July 28, 2008 when I found out I was pregnant with you. Last year on Mother's Day, I didn't get to celebrate being a mother, because there was too much sadness. It was too raw.

Then, Daddy and I were blessed with your brother and I became a mother again on July 5, 2009. Your brother Sam wouldn't be here if it weren't for you and for that I have to thank you once again.

Your brother is 2 months old today. He is a lot of fun, you would like him. When he sleeps in my arms, he holds on to the necklace daddy gave me last year, my "h" necklace. I always wear it and he always grabs hold of that one instead of the "s" one I wear with it. He loves you too.

I may only have one son to show off on facebook and to take pictures of and hold and rock to sleep. But I have two sons in my heart. And for that I am blessed.

I love you. We love you.
Love,
Mommy

my poor neglected blog...

So I have less time to blog than I thought! Who would have thunk it?

I'm going to try to blog more and post more frequent pictures, but I can't promise anything!

BUT I'm really here writing to remind everyone that the March of Dimes walk is this Sunday in Bel Air. Team HPB is the biggest family team in the walk! We have done such a great job and it's not too late to do even better! :) Go to TEAM HPB's WEBSITE to make your last minute donations. It's easy to do and it goes to an amazing organization for a great cause.

Thanks to all of you who have already donated! We are almost at $6000!!!

Let me know if you have any questions or problems making your donations! You can always send me an email.

Lots of love,
Meghan