From Starbucks and Sushi to Silos and Sticks.

If you would have bet me $1million 6 months ago that we would buy a house in the area I grew up, I would have laughed at you, shook your hand, and started thinking of ways to spend my new found fortune. But here we are, about to do that very thing. And I must say, I couldn't be happier. It's going to be pretty shocking to our system. We are going from living 1.5 miles from Phil's work to living 45 miles from it. That's pretty huge. But considering it took Phil 45 minutes to get home just the other day, the time really won't be as shocking as the gas pump charges.

As someone who grew up in the country, when I looked out the front door of this house and saw silos, I began mentally moving in. Thinking of which room would be Sam's, which drawer the utensils would go in the kitchen, what color would look great in the dining room. I began thinking of how much fun Sam and Booger would have running around the big yard (the one RIGHT outside the door, not the one we have to bundle up and walk 15 minutes to!!). I saw them playing by the edge of the woods, collecting sticks in a few years. And learning to play basketball in the driveway. And pictured sitting on the porch with a glass of lemonade (OK, lets be real, a big ol glass of wine) watching them run around with Daisy. Grass stains. Crickets. Cow manure. Camping in the back yard. Quiet nights. No more drunk high heel clacking. No more witnessed walks of shame. And stars. We can see the stars. I almost forgot what they looked like.

While at first the idea of moving in 30 days  (although fully my idea) seemed really quick, I realize now that it's not rushed. It's perfect. I've been waiting for this for 5 years. Holding my breath waiting for it.   Actually, I think I've been imagining this my whole life. Raising my kids somewhere they can grow, learn, play, laugh, get into trouble. Where I have to check them for ticks each summer night. Where I have to stand on the front porch and yell their name when it's dinner time. Where they can be close to family and know the importance of spending time with them regularly, just like I learned.

So send us your good juju. All the good vibes for a smooth and hassle-free next 30 days. Because I'm really looking forward to putting that key on my key chain on March 30th. And opening the front door and finally exhaling.

Mental Nesting

Nesting. I mockingly chuckle at the idea of it when I'm not pregnant, but when I am I can't deny the strange desire, no, NEED, to do it. It's bizarre really. Part of the need this time around is the thought that with two kids I'll never have time or energy to organize anything ever again. Dramatic, I realize. Irrational? Likely. But my reality none the less. What's hard is not knowing where I should nest. We are in the process of finding the right house for our expanding brood. It's not as fun a process as I anticipated. And I've been anticipating it for at least 5 years now. Probably more.

As my belly gets bigger, the house gets smaller. I drank the potion and am expanding by the second. It definitely feels like the walls are closing in and the doorways getting smaller. I'm not sure how I fit through them the last time! The booger has no designated room. I have no designated space. There's no room anywhere for Sam to put anything he might get for his upcoming 2nd birthday. And all I want to do is figure out where to create the space. Figure out where I can put this and that. Try to remember where the tiny baby things are. Some is in storage. Some in the basement. Some probably still behind Sam's crib where he likes to hide things. It's a mess. My head is a mess trying to sort it all out. I've been trying to busy myself with other things to distract from this feeling, but what happens is I'm feeling it anyway and the other things get pushed to the side. I am not even 100% sure what we are going to name this kid, I need to have something real here to feel like he is actually coming.

So while I try to figure out how to do that, Sam is distracting me every day. In a good way (usually). He is obsessed with "taking pictures". He talks about the car-car all day long. He screams with glee at the finale of the Sesame Street song. He wants to be so helpful - feeding Daisy (which he really does), putting things in the trash (and most of the time they actually belong there), trying to put on his own socks (which he gave up on and put one on his nose the other day). He mimics our actions, and thankfully not our words yet. Well at least my words. Phil doesn't say bad words.

His giggles, smiles, and ornery tactics make me smile entirely too much each day. I fear I'm relying too much on him to keep me from going into a bad funk while we search for our house and get through this stressful time. But I don't think he feels the pressure. I think he just feels love. He loves to hug tight. To sneak into a spot I was sitting as soon as I move out of it just to tease me. To hide something I'm looking for and put his pointer finger to his lips and say "Hmmmm" as he pretends to be unaware of where it is. Without those things, my day would simply suck. And the drool. Oh yes, there is still an INSANE amount of drool. I don't even care anymore. It took almost 2 years for me to not care. But really, it's just plain weird there's so much of it it's become comical. Still incredibly gross, but comical.

My funny valentine. What would I do without you?

New

Well, another year has gone by. I looked back to my first post of 2011 and saw that I vowed to splurge for a sitter on New Years Eve. Well that didn't happen. My first goal of 2011 and I didn't keep it!

I always hesitate to write down my goals at new years. I don't really believe in New Years resolutions. I think we should resolve to do things all year not just on the first day. But really, if I write them down, them I'm held accountable for all those things I didn't do. All the disappointment. It's the same reason I hate to-do lists. I have them (actually right now about 20 of them post-ited to my desk) but I hate them. Always looming. Staring at me. The words getting bigger as they try to get my attention and I continue trying to ignore them by covering them up with random things I find. Right now one is being covered up by my stapler. Another by a new bottle of body wash I haven't yet put away in the bathroom.

But as I take mental note of the resolutions I won't be writing down, I'm thinking about all the new things on the horizon for us this year. The obvious new baby who is going to give me a run for my money - I just have a feeling. The new ventures for my business - the photography workshop and wedding photography. A new house hopefully before the baby comes and we burst out of the seams of our current one. Some pretty life changing things.

It might be a struggle to keep the sanity during the next few months, but the only resolution I'm going to write here I think is an important one to hold myself accountable to. I'm resolving to not loose sight of the most important thing - my family. Phil, Sam and yet-to-be-named Booger. I'm going to do everything I can to make sure that while we might be crazy and stressed during the process of renting out our house, looking for a new one, getting prepared as much as we can for another child, that I make sure we all just stop every now and then. Stop to enjoy dinner together slowly and not in a rushed "shovel the food in your mouth quickly because there's too much to do" kind of way. Stop and enjoy a Saturday morning by bundling up and heading to the park or for a long walk to get breakfast together. And to stop and always remember to be grateful that we are able to do all these things we are planning. It's been a long road trying to get to this point for us, and for many the road is even longer. For both having children and buying a home. We are incredibly lucky and I won't loose sight of that.

And speaking of lucky, we got to spend New Years day with a super cute Caroline. And Sam poured tea for everyone, whether they wanted it or not. Daisy snuggled with Snoop Dog. And Sam got to ride his favorite Christmas present (an antique John Deere pedal tractor) that is temporarily being held at the Harkins Garage.

AND, in case you haven't noticed, the blog got a bit of a makeover. I figured it's time for a fresh look. AND a new web address! You can simply go to www.boyerhive.com from now on to get our updates! Isn't that handy?!?

Sunshine

It's officially Christmas in the Boyer house...well a tiny Christmas anyway. Literally. Our tree is maybe 3 feet? Sam can almost clear it. We debated over the tree because I knew we just didn't have space this year for it since our once pretty empty front room that used to house the tree is now completely cluttered with bright colored noisy toys. If there was a tree there, where would the toys go? We have a pretty tiny house with not many options. So the compromise was a tiny tree. If it's good enough for Charlie Brown, why not us?

Well Phil finally agreed, and since he really wanted a big tree for Sam, it was tough to get the ok. I know Sam would be inside the tree on a daily basis if it were on the ground. Ornaments would break, shards of glass and whatever that glass-like metal is they use to make shiny Christmas balls (seriously what is that stuff?) would be everywhere. Sam didn't seem to mind the size and was frankly more into the lights than the tree.

And then today, winter seemed to finally show its colors with the first snow of the season. Daisy went crazy in the .4 inches but Sam didn't get it. I didn't expect him to really, but he did giggle when he saw Daisy through the back window acting like a fool on the patio. They sat and watched together through Daisy's favorite spying spot.

This week I made our New Years cards. I like to do them better than traditional Christmas cards. There's less pressure, and I think it's usually unexpected to get a new year greeting. Last year I didn't want to do cards. Phil did, but I just wasn't up for it. I had been thinking about what our first Christmas cards with a baby would be since Christmas 08 when I was pregnant with Henry. I just couldn't have another card with a picture of me, Phil and Daisy. It's not what I wanted. So I didn't. The entire last Christmas season was tough. I understand why more people are depressed this time of year. Some people have so much bad in their life, the joy of Christmas is completely drowned in the dark, cold, winter water. I understand that darkness.

But this year. This insane, amazing, unpredictable, fabulous year, there is very little darkness. Pain is still there, but it throbs less and less.

Today, I was reminded of the pain. As I mentioned in another post, I play Pandora's toddler station for Sam during the day. Today "You Are My Sunshine" played and I sang along to the words as I do all the catchy kiddo songs I hear all day. When the second verse started up, I actually listened to the words and gasped. I realized "You Are My Sunshine" is definitely not a children's song.
"The other night dear, as I lay sleeping, I dreamed I held you in my arms.
When I awoke, dear, I was mistaken, so I hung my head and cried."
The words to a seemingly innocent "children's" song brought me back to the first days after we lost Henry. Every cell of my heart ached, and so did my arms. Literally, my arms ached. They were supposed to be holding my baby, and now they were empty and physically aching.

Thinking back to that time was something I hadn't done in a while. I think a little bit about Henry every day, but very rarely does it make me sad. I couldn't possibly be sad with so many beautiful things that have happened in our lives since Henry changed our world. It's a wonderful thing when there,  all the sudden, beautiful trumps darkness. Cuz that darkness? It's a bitch. But a bitch I am grateful not to have to worry about any longer.

We will always have reminders of Henry all over our house. At first, I was worried it would be too  "shriney" and unhealthy. But now, those little "h"'s we have all over reminds us, well me, of what we went through to get to this beautiful life. And they don't bring tears. They bring smiles. Quiet, thoughtful,  blessed smiles.

My favorite reminder of Henry are the angel wings that top our tree. I found them last year at Pier One. I think they cost $1.95, but they could have cost $195 and I would have bought them. Something about them, delicate and small, made me feel the need to stand in a line 4 days before Christmas behind 25 people for a seemingly worthless item. But to me, it's priceless. He will always be present at Christmas.

I've noticed recently that more and more Sam falls asleep with a smile on his face. Maybe all the reminders bring that smile to him. Maybe it's a gas bubble. Either way - I now fall asleep smiling as well. Maybe it's my boys, Phil, Sam and sweet Henry. Maybe its because I look forward to the next day full of adventures and ornery behavior that I love so very much. Likely, it's all of the above. And it's magical.

Karma

What comes around goes around.

Seriously? I think I used to believe this. Or I at least used to tell myself that it was true to make myself feel better when someone did something crappy to me. But I'm starting to think the saying is nothing more than a lie we tell ourselves in that situation. Because I really don't think Phil or I had any of this coming to us.

You've heard me talk (bitch) about our curse. And I am not one for self pity or misery. But I think I've had enough and need to vent before I can grasp how to move forward without negative energy.

I've mentioned quite a few less than fortunate things that Phil and I have made it through in the last few years -some more traumatic than others. But with the recent car accident (Phil had one this week) I'm beginning to get fed up. The cab driver who hit Phil is filing a personal injury claim against us that we may or may not have enough insurance to cover. Mind you, this is the same cab driver who immediately after the accident, ran out of his car running down the street trying to solicit "witnesses" that he would "hook up" if they "testify for him". Clearly this personal injury didn't effect his ability to jog, sprint, scam, flail his arms or move any part of his body. In the past, this is one of those situations where I could have said "what goes around comes around", this guy was a jerk trying to screw us over and he would get what's coming to him one day.

But when that thought crossed my mind this time, I had to stop. Just hold on a second. What the heck did Phil and I do in our past lives to have all of this crap thrown at us? There isn't a kinder more honest person than Phil. I know I've caused a bit of chaos in the past, but I honestly don't think anything I did was destructive to anyone other than myself. I must be wrong. I must have been horrible and didn't know it. I'm sorry friends and family and random strangers. I must have really put you through the ringer. I had no idea.

Maybe I was a unibomber, murder, thief, con artist, kidnapper - something unbearably horrible in my past life? It's not completely outrageous. It just might be the only explanation.

So now that that is off my chest, I feel like I can focus on how to make it better. No one is going to come out of the woodwork and fix the things that need fixing (literally the car, the house, our spirit). So, positive thinking.... hmm. Well that's tougher than I thought right now. I might need a minute.

Oh - I've got it. Power Ball! We are SO going to win Power Ball now that it's come to Maryland! It's the light at the end of our very dark tunnel! Our train of misfortune has crashed my friends!

Wow I feel better now that the problem is solved!

As I was just now about to hit the post button and be done with this negative sarcastic post, Bubba kicked in (literally) his 2 cents. And in doing so, he reminded me that there's so much more to be positive and hopeful about. That all of the bad things are just things and just like every other time, this too shall pass. The real light at the end of our tunnel is coming on or around March 13. Bubba just now gave my spirit the kick - or punch I'm not sure which - it needed to get back on track. Our train is not full of misfortune. It is hopeful. Misfortune is getting off the next stop. So now that I think about it, please God, don't crash our train. I think it's going somewhere great, and I want to be there for every stop along the way, with Phil by my side.

Latest Belly. . . etc ,

So here he is at 31 weeks:

And at 32 weeks (the latest):

This one was this afternoon and it feels bigger than it looks! I feel pretty good, except for the excruciating heartburn 24 hours a day! But since I overall have had it so easy it's probably not fair to complain!

On the home front - The bathroom is done! WOO HOOOO! We are going to take a look at it tomorrow morning with the contractor and he'll do the finishing touches then we can move back in tomorrow night! I'm excited to get Daisy back to a normal routine, although it's been fun living with Ryan and Larisa. I've even come to like Diesel - the puppy with missing brain cells:).

And since the doggies have been my baby the last week and a half, I thought I would give them some face time:

Bye Bye Bathroom . . .

Finally. Our leaky, moldy, ugly, out of date bathroom was ripped out this past weekend and the rehab has started! Phil, with the help of Ryan, Eduardo and Gerardo (spelling may be incorrect, but I dont think they read the blog so I'm ok), gutted the bathroom completely. But don't worry, Phil isn't putting it back together. We hired a professional for that! I'm a little worried about the paint color I picked. . . It might look like orange soda exploded. The bathroom is going to be "my" bathroom now - where I get ready in the morning. If I come out of the house looking like an Umpa-Lumpa, you'll know that maybe the orange I picked out for the walls was a bit much.

During the rehab, we are staying with Larisa and Ryan for 2 weeks just like last year when we had to rip out all our floors and get our house jacked up so we wouldn't fall through the floor to our death. Strangely enough, it's the same 2 week period as last year! Unfortunately, I am NOT very fun company these days. Last year, I would get home and Larisa was only a few minutes behind me and within an hour we would have at least one drink (usually a margarita) in us! Now, no drinking, well on my part anyway. And I am so dang grumpy! I know I am miserable to be around and I can't seem to help it. Between the insane heartburn that has be eating 20+ TUMS a day to no avail, and the back pain, I am a pain in everyone elses back!

What can ya do? Only 8 weeks to go. Thank GOD! As soon as the bathroom is complete - probably by next Friday - We have to get moving on Dude's room. Painting, organizing, and putting the crib together. At least Phil and I get to go on a date this weekend. All we have talked about in the last few months are bathrooms and baby and I forget what real conversation is like! It's already happened and Dude's not even here yet! We're going to work on that.

I'll post belly pics soon, it's been a few weeks, but it looks the same - just way bigger and heavier and harder and lumpier and kickier and heart-burnier. :)