New Yet Familiar

Last Monday, we found out we are having another boy. It was a mix of emotions as I expect most of the big pregnancy events to be from now on. Both Phil and I thought it would be a girl, which of course meant it was going to be a boy! If you are one of the people who tell me "you never know, it could come out a girl" - I present people's exhibit A:



If you don't know what you are looking at....well I just can't help you. And if it turns out to be a girl, we have many many confusing conversations in our futures!

Of course, other news from the sonogram was that we have to come back to look at a few things. The stubborn baby wouldn't really flip over so the sonographer wasn't satisfied with the shots they got of his profile and heart valves. He was pretty content in a ball on his stomach and even after flipping sides,jumping up and down, walking around - I couldn't get him to budge. The other thing they want to look at is his stomach which was large. It may be no big deal, but it needs to be looked at again. It could be that they are being extra cautious, looking at things a little closer than normal because of our history. But whatever the case, Phil and I get a little worried when leaving a sonogram with less than perfect news. This Wednesday we will go back.

There is also some feelings of guilt that go along with the discovery of the sex. I think I was hoping it was a girl. Not that I necessarily wanted a girl over a boy, but more that I wanted as much from this pregnancy to be different as possible from the last. I've been pregnant with a little boy and that didn't turn out - so my head is having a hard time separating the two. I am sure everything will be fine, and I am not looking for reassurance or anything like that. I am rational enough to know and understand the probability of things, and also to know the lack of control I have over pretty much anything. But I think it's also the lack of control that makes things that much harder.

We are past the half way mark - 20 weeks and 2 days today. Actually technically half way was last week for us since we will probably be induced 2 weeks early. I hope the second half flies by like the first half did...After being pregnant for the last 15 months, I know I'll be really done with being pregnant by the time month 20 comes around.

Thanks

After Henry died, I picked up my camera and still rarely set it down. I begged (I am pretty sure there was some whining involved) Phil for the camera - the nice camera - for my birthday last year and negotiated that he would be covered for every present for an entire year if he got it for my birthday. We were only 12 weeks pregnant with Henry and I knew I could learn how to take decent pictures by the time he arrived. I think the fact that there are few pictures of me growing up was the driving force behind it. It's not that my parents didn't take pictures of me, they were destroyed in our house fire in 1998.

So Phil came through and I opened my present on my 27th birthday to find the camera I asked for.

I didn't start really learning about the camera and shooting properly in manual setting until January came around. With all the POS money pit house situations that came with winter, and getting the room and house and myself ready for the baby to come, I hadn't learned all that I wanted to by the time March rolled in. My last day of work came around, and I began cramming in as much as I could knowing I only had 2 weeks (give or take) left. I began learning more technical aspects, and of course started desiging the birth announcements since photoshop was becoming my new best friend. I had 2 designs to choose from the end of the day March 25, 2009.

When we got home from the hospital that Friday the 27th, I just layed for a while not really knowing what to do now. I wasn't prepared for what was happening, and I really like to be prepared. (I think I inherited it from mom and her franklin planner briefcase) The diaper bag was packed, clothes washed and folded, newborn diapers and wipes out and ready on the changing table, baby book ready and half filled out. I was ready and prepared to bring Henry home. I was not prepared to come home empty handed.

I got up, grabbed my camera and the items the nurses at St. Joe's gave us (lock of hair, measuring tape - 19.5" long, a bracelet with HENRY PHILIP on it, the outfit they put him in, a blanket he was swaddled in and the hand-knit hats he wore) and started clicking. Looking through the eye piece of the camera, it was not happening to me. I was simply taking photos of "things".

I used my maternity leave to spend even more time learning and taking photos. I went out every day and shot something around Baltimore. On the rainy days, Daisy was my subject (and on occasion Phil who secretly loves having his picture taken). I learned a TON in those few months - about photography and myself. Behind the camera I was not seen, which was perfect because I wanted to hide - and lets face it - many people were uncomfortable talking to me anyway. It gave me something else to talk about. I could nurture my work instead of the baby I didn't have. I would still be up all hours of the night,but rather than giving feedings, I was glued to the computer and editing the photos I took that day. The hobby that now took up my time was a distant second to what I was prepared to do, but it worked for me.

So since then, I found that what I love most is taking pictures of kids. Kids don't care if their ears stick out when their hair is tucked behind it, or if their smile is too big, or if their arms look too fat. They just go on doing whatever they would be doing and I just lay down on the floor, grass, mud, whatever, and capture them being them. It is pure joy. It's what I would be doing if Henry were here - so why not give other parents something they might want to have forever? Their little girl in her J. Lo sunglasses. Their son teasing the family dog with treats. Their little boy wearing his Orioles jersey for the first time not yet knowing the team is terrible. Their daughters trying to smile nicely for the camera while elbowing and choking each other mid-fight. Their little girls the day they would not take no for an answer and wore their Wellies with their party dresses to the park.

I hope I'm capturing memories for these parents while I wait to make my own.

My hobby has made me see things differently that I used to. I can now go back and laugh at all the kids I've photographed, knowing they will do the same one day. I am not sad I don't have Henry. He pointed me in the direction I needed. Instead of being sad in the six months since that March day, I have been able to see beauty in things one would not ordinarily find beautiful. It's as if he changed my eyes and in doing so opened them up to a beautiful world. I thank him for that every day.