scars

Well it happened. I inadvertently injured my child. I'm waiting for child protective services to come knocking down my door any moment now.

It really was innocent enough. I was only carrying him walking out of my bedroom to change his diaper and I must have tickled his back because he arched it backward like he always does, but this time it was exactly as we were clearing the door. His forehead smacked against the edge of the door frame. Lots of screaming, lots of swelling, lots of blood rushing to the surface, but no broken skin. No blood. PHEW! Blood makes everything seem worse.

So as the mark started healing (which reminds me how remarkable his little body is healing so quickly), I began to think about how glad I was that his first scar wouldn't be because I smacked his head against a door when he was 9.5 months old. What a terrible story that would be growing up. I don't know that I remember my very first scar. I do have many. I have to say that I never once broke a bone (knocking on wood as I type) but I was a pretty clumsy kid. I have had many, many stitches.

The scar on my forehead is from the milking parlor on the farm. I was maybe 4 or 5 and I was running down to the parlor because it was milking time and I wanted to help Pop Pop (by help I mean lean against the wall giggling when the cows pooed). The parlor was at the bottom of what was then a VERY steep hill (thats how I remember it). I was running so fast I couldn't stop and I literally ran right into the concrete wall. Blood and stitches. And that hill now is barely steep enough for a ball to roll down. Someone must have leveled it after my accident. Probably.

The scars on my knees are from the summer before the third grade. I was riding my big sisters bike, one with actual hand brakes and gears. I didn't know what the heck I was doing and was never very good on a bike. I couldn't remember how to stop when going down a hill - also very steep like the one on the farm - so I put my foot down and ended up flipping across the road scraping my knees to shreds. Blood and stitches. I had to walk around like a penguin without bending my knees for a whole month. To this day, I prefer a stationary bike at the gym. That scar though, especially the one on my right knee, looks like a fish. My best friend growing up, Jared, and I named it Herman. Because thats what you do when you are 8 and you get a big scar. You show it off and give it a name. I still smile and think of Jared when I see my big ugly fish scar.

My most recent scar is a baking injury. It's a dangerous hobby. Especially when you start baking a 12" layer cake at 10:30 pm and over fill the pans leading them to pour over in the oven almost catching the kitchen on fire. It's a nasty, ugly, fresh scar, but I'll look at it and remember I did it baking my best friend's baby shower cake. It was worth it.

My inside scars are harder to show. Scarred by the fire. Scarred by Henry. Scarred by all kinds of crazy ass stuff that life brings. The injuries burn at first. But then, like our skin, they start to itch and heal.

I got an email today from someone who runs a few fabulous websites who recently talked about her miscarriages. I started thinking that she has a scar like mine. Without even knowing her, aside from some lovely email correspondence, I found myself wanting to sit with her as my 8 year old self and think of a funny name for her scar. To make her feel better.

I realized that this blog, and my photography are my way of showing off my scars like we all used to as kids. Showing that I was brave and only cried a little bit - or maybe a lot. Showing off my blood and stitches. My neon band-aid. Scratching the itch that comes with healing.

The next time, I might not be so lucky and that innocent little bump of the head could turn into Sam's first scar. And it will be ok. We'll name it after my fish. I always liked the name Herman.

Happy Christmas

I'm still in a bit of a Christmas fog, but from what I can remember, it was the best one yet! We changed things up a bit this year and cut out 2 visits on Christmas day that we usually make. Although I missed seeing some of my family, to make 2 fewer stops on an already busy day was definitely a good decision. Since last year we went to 6 different places on Christmas eve and Christmas day, I decided that with Sam and Daisy and for the same of my sanity, we needed to make some cut backs. And it was definitely a good decision. Christmas day was actually fairly relaxing. I have NEVER had a relaxing Christmas. I LOVE my insane family, but relaxing is not something they do well! It's always loud and fun and non-stop - laughing, playing, joking, pestering, teasing. It is pretty great.

I think had I decided last year to change the tradition, I would have had a really hard time with it. This is the first Christmas ever where I haven't gone to both of my grandparents houses. But I realized this year, that the old Christmas traditions aren't the same anymore. It will never be quite as exciting as when I was a kid. Running into Nanny's kitchen to see if there are any crumbs left on top of the coffee cake, or if my cousin Ginny already got to them. Stealing Nanny rolls before dinner by literally putting them in our pockets. Playing canasta trying to figure out if my dad and uncles hid the good cards up their sleeves (they usually did, the cheaters). Snaking down grandma's stairs on our bellys getting rug burn but not caring. Laughing at the grown ups passing around the bottle of apricot brandy and later showing off their best cow impersonations by moo-ing (seriously they were really good). Fighting over grandmas coconut cream pie which someone usually hid before everyone else could get to it. Crying because I literally got a sac of coal (a trauma from which I haven't fully recovered).

Things have changed. And this year, I realized that I am not the kid anymore. I've always felt like a kid (and really still do) but now it's about my kid. And I hope to teach Sam to slide down the stairs on his belly, and sneak to get Nanny's rolls and to hide the wild card under his chair. But he's a bit young for that. So before the years of chaotic Christmas return, having a relaxing one was exactly what I needed.

 Heres a little taste of our holiday from Sam's perspective:

I heart eating paper.

When I saw it was PJ's, I was REALLY excited!

I don't really know what to do with this thing yet, but it seems kind of cool.

You may think I have lame parents for giving me a wooden shoe, but shoelaces are my favorite thing ever. And these taste less dirty than Daddy's.

Grandma and Grandpa's house was loud, but before I passed out, I got to open (and eat) a LOT of presents!

Christmas morning was early and messy. I got to play with all the presents I got the night before. I didn't see too many of them then because I passed out before they were opened!

We went to GiGi and Grandpa's next and Daddy was really silly after drinking bloody marys. He was chasing me all over! It was awesome!

Daisy was mad that I kept her up most of the night, so she missed out on lots of fun and took a nap.

The morning after christmas - I finally was too tired to do anything but nap with GiGi.

Then we went to GrandPop's. There was MORE toys there for me!

But the toy I really wanted was Carson's.

Carson is trying to take over Mommy's job.

GrandPop helped me walk around.

I don't remember this picture. I must have been tired?

..................................................................................................................................................................

On an unrelated but fun note, check out the new site, Sugar Row. They are showing some of my recent sessions! This site is awesome and I am so excited to be on it!

Sunshine

It's officially Christmas in the Boyer house...well a tiny Christmas anyway. Literally. Our tree is maybe 3 feet? Sam can almost clear it. We debated over the tree because I knew we just didn't have space this year for it since our once pretty empty front room that used to house the tree is now completely cluttered with bright colored noisy toys. If there was a tree there, where would the toys go? We have a pretty tiny house with not many options. So the compromise was a tiny tree. If it's good enough for Charlie Brown, why not us?

Well Phil finally agreed, and since he really wanted a big tree for Sam, it was tough to get the ok. I know Sam would be inside the tree on a daily basis if it were on the ground. Ornaments would break, shards of glass and whatever that glass-like metal is they use to make shiny Christmas balls (seriously what is that stuff?) would be everywhere. Sam didn't seem to mind the size and was frankly more into the lights than the tree.

And then today, winter seemed to finally show its colors with the first snow of the season. Daisy went crazy in the .4 inches but Sam didn't get it. I didn't expect him to really, but he did giggle when he saw Daisy through the back window acting like a fool on the patio. They sat and watched together through Daisy's favorite spying spot.

This week I made our New Years cards. I like to do them better than traditional Christmas cards. There's less pressure, and I think it's usually unexpected to get a new year greeting. Last year I didn't want to do cards. Phil did, but I just wasn't up for it. I had been thinking about what our first Christmas cards with a baby would be since Christmas 08 when I was pregnant with Henry. I just couldn't have another card with a picture of me, Phil and Daisy. It's not what I wanted. So I didn't. The entire last Christmas season was tough. I understand why more people are depressed this time of year. Some people have so much bad in their life, the joy of Christmas is completely drowned in the dark, cold, winter water. I understand that darkness.

But this year. This insane, amazing, unpredictable, fabulous year, there is very little darkness. Pain is still there, but it throbs less and less.

Today, I was reminded of the pain. As I mentioned in another post, I play Pandora's toddler station for Sam during the day. Today "You Are My Sunshine" played and I sang along to the words as I do all the catchy kiddo songs I hear all day. When the second verse started up, I actually listened to the words and gasped. I realized "You Are My Sunshine" is definitely not a children's song.
"The other night dear, as I lay sleeping, I dreamed I held you in my arms.
When I awoke, dear, I was mistaken, so I hung my head and cried."
The words to a seemingly innocent "children's" song brought me back to the first days after we lost Henry. Every cell of my heart ached, and so did my arms. Literally, my arms ached. They were supposed to be holding my baby, and now they were empty and physically aching.

Thinking back to that time was something I hadn't done in a while. I think a little bit about Henry every day, but very rarely does it make me sad. I couldn't possibly be sad with so many beautiful things that have happened in our lives since Henry changed our world. It's a wonderful thing when there,  all the sudden, beautiful trumps darkness. Cuz that darkness? It's a bitch. But a bitch I am grateful not to have to worry about any longer.

We will always have reminders of Henry all over our house. At first, I was worried it would be too  "shriney" and unhealthy. But now, those little "h"'s we have all over reminds us, well me, of what we went through to get to this beautiful life. And they don't bring tears. They bring smiles. Quiet, thoughtful,  blessed smiles.

My favorite reminder of Henry are the angel wings that top our tree. I found them last year at Pier One. I think they cost $1.95, but they could have cost $195 and I would have bought them. Something about them, delicate and small, made me feel the need to stand in a line 4 days before Christmas behind 25 people for a seemingly worthless item. But to me, it's priceless. He will always be present at Christmas.

I've noticed recently that more and more Sam falls asleep with a smile on his face. Maybe all the reminders bring that smile to him. Maybe it's a gas bubble. Either way - I now fall asleep smiling as well. Maybe it's my boys, Phil, Sam and sweet Henry. Maybe its because I look forward to the next day full of adventures and ornery behavior that I love so very much. Likely, it's all of the above. And it's magical.

Lions, Tigers, and . . . Sam??

Oh, my.
We have a growler. A LOUD growler. It's fantastic! As if I wasn't aging quickly enough, Sam insists on making me laugh all day and my wrinkles are gettin' deep, my friends. I'm going to need some night creme.

When Sam is happy he is growling. Smiling and growling. When he wants something and he needs you to know it, he growls at you with his eyebrows down. When he gets it, he keeps growling but with his eyebrows up. He growls at Daisy and she just looks at him with a blank "there he goes again" eye rolling face. I dont actually think dogs can roll their eyes, but I get her, and they are rolling.

He's an animal. We need to keep him in a cage. Oh wait, we kind of already do...hmm.

the animal will fight tooth and nail - well just tooth really - to get out of his cage...

with his giant paws he'll reach the top . . .

 
oh wait - he seems to be a friendly animal....

a VERY friendly animal...

He is a friendly animal indeed. And thankfully, so is Daisy. I think he might love Daisy more than he loves me. It's ok. She really is great. And as soon as she starts washing diapers she'll be almost as good a mom as me.

Sam's other latest trick is dancing. I am afraid for him. He just doesn't have it in his genes. I mean, have you SEEN Phil dance? Those of you who think Phil's a good dancer, you must be white. Because he definitely is not. And me, well, I'm sorry to say it's been tried and tried again but all the booze in the world can't make me a good dancer. Trust me. I put a lot of effort into testing that theory. It was called the "5 year college" plan.

The funniest thing he likes to dance to is the intro to weather tune that plays for maybe 1.5 seconds before the usually inappropriately dressed Sandra Shaw gives the morning forecast on WBAL. So now that I think about it, maybe he's dancing for her? Crap, we are going to have to have a talk.

His butt does keep some kind of rhythm though. Not usually the same rhythm that is playing in the background, but some kind of rhythm all right. I am thankful for Pandora's toddler station. I can play that on the ipad and he dances in his jumper while I shower. That station plays a lot of Disney movie music. It's funny that I still know all the words to Under the Sea and A Whole New World. Hakuna Matatta played the other day and that so far was his favorite Pandora song. In fact, the last 2 times he has been urrationally screaming for no apparent reason, I found myself chanting "hakuna matatta, hakuna matatta" softly and he calmed right down. Those Disney peeps, they're a wacky bunch with a long history of teaching our young girls they need a prince charming to save them from every life situation, but they got it right with the Lion King. In my book anyway.

I have been beyond busy in such a fabulous way with the photography business I really miss my poor neglected blog. We haven't done too many exciting things recently. We are just playing a lot, learning new things each day and eating a ton of good food. Sam's a carnivore for sure. He had some beef stew I made for dinner the other night and he has never growled so much over any food before. It was as if he was growling "MMMMMMMEEEEEEAAT". Thats what I heard anyway. Like I said before. Animal. After all that meat eating, the bath was much needed.

And now I'm off for some sleep. I don't get enough sleep and it's my own darn fault. Oh well - or should I say "Hakuna Matatta"? :)

He's practicing for blocking the paparazzi when he's famous and so rich he's supporting his parents :)

whoa

so you can obviously tell how insane I've been since my last post was in OCTOBER!
Well, I'm still busy, so I don't have much to offer you except some pics. Lots of pics. Just because I haven't posted them doesn't mean I haven't taken any!!

We've been keeping busy with lots of playground and park action...

But when it got too cold, we did a lot of playing around inside. . .

And lounging in bed on a lazy sunday . . . theres not much better than that!

Our new favorite thing to do when taking a long walk - getting some extra shut-eye. 

I think this is the first time Sam's ever seen me use a flash. The look of surprise is priceless :)

Daisy is getting more and more attention, although she seems to have had enough.

Sam's getting brave - and mommy's getting baby gates.

Meeting some cool cousins for the first time on Thanksgiving.

Hanging with Grandpa.

Ma, Savannah, and Daisy were most thankful for those non-dog owners who kept giving them scraps.

I love LONG extended tables full of food, laughs, and wine. WAIT!!! Where was the bottle of brandy?!! did we seriously neglect that tradition? Crap.

Sam LOVED seeing family visiting from AZ.

And with some time and work, we are doing great with sleeping. Naps are a favorite time of the day - for everyone! :)

So now back to work for me. I'll come up for air again hopefully before Christmas!!