Our new life

As we are getting acquainted with our new life, meaning life with two kids and Bo himself, words are jumbled in my brain. Most of my sentences make sense, but I don't yet trust that they make sense to anyone else. My words are mixed up. I'm calling things by the wrong name. I don't know what day it is. And it's pretty awesome. I know those words are true.
So until my words start to come back in sentences that actually make sense, I'll just post some pics of our first week (what?? it's been a week?!!?) as a family of 5 (I can't forget Daisy, although most of the time I do).

documenting

and in the dark, i can hear your heartbeat

i tried to find the sound

but then it stopped, and i was in the darkness

so darkness i became

the stars, the moon, they have all been blown out

you left me in the dark

no dawn, no day, i'm always in this twilight

in the shadow of your heart

38 weeks 5 days. 

I hate this day. The day I gave a still birth to Henry. It was a Thursday then too. It also fell on a Thursday with Sam. Is that why I was "in labor" yesterday? Did I create a false labor in my head to avoid having this day again? I don't think my mind is that powerful, and I certainly know I have no control over my body anymore so I don't think I could have done that. But it's all still draining, exhausting, challenging, my mind and heart never so full of doubt. And then guilt. And nothing rational. Trying not to shut down. Trying to pull myself out of the darkness so that I can appreciate the light that is coming. Because full of doubt or not, I know he'll be here soon. And I don't want to be consumed with darkness when that happens. 

So what do I do? I document. Because I know remembering the times of darkness are just as important to remember as the times we are bursting with joy. They bring perspective. They remind us, once the light has come, of where we once were. And on this day I hate more than any other in my pregnancy, I'm documenting. Wanting to put it on "paper" to get it out. Because I don't like to feel the word "hate" when I'm literally full of life. Kicking, punching, cramping, rolling, heartburn causing life. It's not how I want to start Booger's life. So I'm shaking it out here. The only way I know how. 

ETA:
Although its always tough for me to hit the"publish" button after writing a post, I always feel relieved when I do. Writing these few words down this morning let me get the negative out of my head and make room to hear and appreciate the positive things from my Dr today. Booger is doing really well and we will get to meet him Saturday, if not before. :) thank you all for your encouraging words and thoughts during this otherwise difficult day.

Lifted

Henry's birth-day was well over a month ago but I'm just now getting to posting a few photos of that day. My grand plan was to release (or have Sam release) 3 balloons to honor him. Well, the cluster of a day started early. Maybe it was that we were about to settle on our house and move. Maybe it was just the cluster of the last few months, rushing by so fast with so many things going on no one knew which was was up. But nonetheless, we released balloons. It wasn't as I had hoped, but everything it was going to be. My grand romantic gestures tend to be lessened by the fun seeking two year old. So instead of taking that moment to reflect, we watched Sam as he tried to lift up the gravestones around the cemetery. It was hard not to laugh at his struggle and inevitable defeat as he realized they were just to heavy. But what he did lift that day were our spirits. Seemingly just as heavily weighed down as the granite, but lifted like feathers by that sweet, ornery little boy.

All film shots, which also explains the delayed post. Film is the cure to my need for instant gratification. I'm learning to like surprises. ;)
(sorry for the crappy quality- my Internet still sucks so I had to save and upload through my phone. Yuck.)