3 Weeks

Today Sam is 3 weeks old! He is fantastic and huge (relatively speaking). We go to the pediatrician next week and I'm eager to find out how much he actually weighs.

In the last 3 weeks he has done more for me than I have for him I think. I feel like a completely different person. I think I was meant to be his mother. I think I have always been a little incomplete. But not in the cheesy Jerry McGuire kind of way. In a very real way that something was missing but I didn't realize it until he came into my life. I have no cares in the world now. No worries. Nothing but bliss.

It took my several tries to take this picture myself, but I'm glad I have one of us finally. I can't get enough of him!

Our March

You might remember we are walking to raise money in Henry's honor for the March for Babies on April 18. I want to remind everyone that you can still donate to our team, or join our team and walk with us.

Everyone has been so generous and supportive already! I got word from the Harford County March of Dimes office that TEAM HPB was the top team for the walk!  We have raised almost $4000! I don't even remember now what our initial goal was, I think somewhere around $1500. Thanks to everyone's support I've raised it to $4200! I think we can easily do that and it's amazing.

If you haven't had a chance yet to donate, please go to our team page and do it. Know you are helping an amazing cause and honoring a beautiful little boy.

DONATE HERE

Thanks again for the incredible support!

What a Difference a Year Makes

Well one year later.

We survived. They say the first year is the toughest. I knew we were strong, but there is always the feeling in the back of the gut that says "I dont know if we can do this." We silenced that feeling.

I know I wouldn't change a thing now. I look at Sam and know that if Henry had been born alive, we wouldn't have Sam. He is a blessing. They both are. It's weird to think that I have 2 sons. It's hard enough for me to actually comprehend that I have one child and am a parent, never the less 2.

Life does funny things to test us. I think I passed the last one with flying colors, and I know there will be many more pop quizzes in my future. But hopefully not till next semester.

Lessons Learned

As I type, I am watching Sam lay under 3 blue lights with stretchy sunglasses on and a monitor on his foot at GBMC's pediatric inpatient unit. Today he is 6 days old.

Yesterday around 4pm, Phil and I called the pediatrician because Sam was jaundice. As soon as I told the Dr. what Sam's signs were, he said we needed to go to the pediatric ER at GBMC. There was little time to freak out as we rushed  up 83. We got to the hospital and Sam was poked and checked and very yellow. His exam was otherwise great. Strong, healthy and had gained back the weight he had lost in the hospital after birth already. His blood work came back and his bilirubin level was 24. Normal for newborns they said was around 12. High 20's to 30 would have probably caused brain damage like cerebral palsy. The fact was scary, but I felt nothing but relief that we were here and Sam was getting the best treatment.

The treatment for his high bili level is triple light therapy. One light under him, one light above him, and one spot light on him. They are blue lights like a tanning bed but obviously not harmful. We can't hold him at all, we can only take him out to breastfeed - which is the only other way to reduce the bili level. The more Sam eats, the more he poops. Pooping is the body's natural way of releasing bilirubin.

Phil mentioned that he thought we should call the pediatrician on Sunday morning. I felt deep down that it was the right thing to do as well, but I always second guess my instincts. I knew he was yellow, and I was worried about the signs, but I always tell myself I don't know what I'm talking about and assume I'm wrong. (Which is funny, because I am the last person to admit when I'm wrong, but always the first to think it)

So first lesson learned as a new parent (it's still weird to say that): ALWAYS TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS!

Eventually I did listen to them and we made the important phone call so we didn't do anything wrong. But I definitely need to remember that I might know more than I realize, and it's better to listen to your gut and be wrong, than not listen to your gut and have it be right.

I am no professional, like I even needed to state that, but if this scary experience can teach another new first time mom something I'm going to get the info out there! I am not the type of person who listens to other peoples advice very well. I'm just a little stubborn and I like to figure things out for myself. Ok maybe a lot stubborn. But other people might be less stubborn.

Here were Sam's symptoms:
Yellow tint to his skin
Yellowing in the whites of his eyes
Lethargic - hard to wake up even to eat after several hours

He was peeing and pooping a good amount, which made me think everything was probably fine. But it wasn't. He was also nursing well, my milk came in quickly and there was a lot of it.

Janudice is something I had heard of before, but never as a cause for great alarm. I just figured all babies get yellow and then their bodies figure it out. I had no idea the possible severe side effects in serious cases. Thanks to God (and Henry I suspect), Sam will likely be fine. We will find out later today what his levels are, but they have been trending down and the stressful part is almost over.

Our world has changed yet again...

January of 2008, Phil and I decided we were ready to expand our family. I started praying for a healthy baby. I'm not really the praying type, but I figured it couldn't hurt. It wasn't until the end of July that year we had a positive pregnancy test. Phil didn't believe me that it was positive, so he bought the digital kind that says PREGNANT and only then did he actually think it was real. It was an easy pregnancy relatively speaking. No morning sickness, minimal discomfort. Just a little heartburn, but that I could handle. The toughest part for me was learning how to give up control of my own body, but I knew it would be worth it. One week and two days shy of our due date, Henry died inside me, and so did a big part of my heart.

After working through the stinging heartache that still lingers, Phil and I decided once again to try to make a family. In early July 2009, once again we had a positive test. This time I was the one in disbelief partly because I drank at least a pitcher of Mojitos just the day before at a cookout (looking back I'm glad I did!) and also because I expected it to take a while like it did the first time. We were on a familiar journey that would hopefully take us to a different destination. Through the nerves, anxiety, fear, doubt, and uncertainty, we kept hopeful; and I couldn't help but feel that this time was different. Every feeling was different in some way. I connected with this baby boy in a way I never connected with Henry during my pregnancy with him.

Early on we picked his name and haven't looked back once. As soon as I read what the name meant I showed it to Phil. There wasn't even a need to debate it.

Samuel means "God heard".

So at 8:41 pm on Tuesday, March 9, 2010 Samuel Henry came into the world and changed ours forever. I have never felt such love for anything in my life. I love him so much it aches.

So many people prayed for us and Henry, but I know that many people also prayed that we would be one day blessed with a healthy baby. I'm fairly certain there are several monasteries throughout the country that prayed for it daily! Sam is the answer to our (and your) prayers.

We knew Henry was going to be the baby's middle name from the start. We want Sam to know that his brother is a part of him and will always be looking out for his little brother.

I thank Henry for changing my life in so many ways. I thank Sam for changing it once again. Sometimes having your world rocked is not a bad thing at all.

Thanks to all of our friends and family - and complete strangers - for the prayers and support. We are truly blessed.

Light at the end of the tunnel??? Could it be?

I did it. I scheduled an induction for Tuesday(3/9) at 7am. I don't feel as guilty about it as I thought I might. I've been progressing, but am going crazy and I mentally can't take being pregnant any longer. Since I'll be 39 weeks on Saturday, Bubba is healthy full term and fully developed. I would have scheduled it for Monday but it was booked. I would have done it today but that wasn't an option! So unless Bubba takes my advice and comes earlier, I'm looking right at the longest 4 1/2 days of my life. I predict I'll be spending a lot of time with pay per view movies and working on marketing materials for the business.

I wonder if I really need to add the induction to my outlook calendar? I doubt I'll need the standard 15 minute appointment reminder, but hey - you never know.

Dear Bubba

Dear Bubba,
Thank you for still moving around like a banchee letting me know you are ok in there. Can you try to make these movements a bit more productive? The big bubble of water you are in? Go ahead and punch right through that. It's ok, Mommy won't be mad at you for breaking something. I want to meet you very badly and if you break the bubble, we can see each other very soon! It's fun out here and I think you would like it. I know you are comfy and snug in there, but I will make sure you are both of those things and more out here. Mommy's going a teensy bit crazy being pregnant for 21 months and would love to have a break.
I love you very much and I hope to meet you soon.
Love,
Mommy