time out

I wake up to this every morning. Usually with a bigger smile and fresh drool dripping into my not yet open eyes. But every morning it's bright eyes and wide smiles.

We do some playing, some "Wheres Daisy?" games. Now that he knows what I'm saying, he stops what he is doing to look for Daisy. It's funny to say "wheres Daddy?" during the daytime. He just searches and searches. I should probably stop doing that, it might be traumatic or something. He's looking for Daisy over his shoulder here. She is always right there laying watching him, legs crossed. But he still checks, just to make sure.

We continue our day with more playing, crawling, drooling. Babbling, spitting, pooing. Napping. 

We go for a walk. We jump in the door bouncer. We practice walking holding onto something. We tickle. We giggle. We scratch with our razor blade fingernails. We play ABC flashcards on the iPad. We brush Daisy's hair with our fists and try to eat it. We "mmmmmmm" at our lunch. We reach for something, fall, bang our head creating a large red puffy spot, shake our head, and reach again without a peep. We later rub said red puffy spot wondering what happened there. We count to 10 with cookie monster. We chew on our thumbs and make a terrible sour face because it tastes like Daisy's fur and God know what else.

And then we hit a wall. Both of our faces look like this by the end of the day. Most days anyway.

We have finally had enough. 

It doesn't seem to make sense. Look back at the first picture. Now back down here. (don't you love that old spice commercial??).That face is the best face I've ever seen. How could I possibly ever have enough?? 

Call me what you will, but I need a break from it sometimes. Just a short one. Even an hour will do.

When Phil and I decided that I wouldn't go back to my job after Sam was born and I would stay at home with him and build my photography business, it was a tough decision to make, but at the same time the easiest decision. Of course I wanted to stay home. Of course I wanted to build my business. Of course I wanted to see that face all day every day. I have never regretted the decision and can honestly say I don't ever see regretting that decision in my future. 

But...it's tough. 

At the end of the day, I'll talk to a friend on the phone and the usual "what did you do today?" question comes. I just say "nothing" because there wasn't anything that initially seemed substantial enough to talk about. Did I actually do NOTHING all day. Yeah. Right. With Sam (and most kids I know) there is no such thing as nothing. Every second, I'm doing SOMETHING for him. And if there are any seconds that I am not doing something for him, I'm doing something for Phil. Or Daisy. Then back to Sam. 

I know this is nothing new. Moms have been doing these same things FOREVER. But few people talk about how hard it actually is! Its a good kind of hard though. I wouldn't change it for anything. But I'd like to add in one extra hour each day - okay, 30 minutes - just for me. Maybe I could dry my hair after the shower so I don't look like Temple Grandin (I'm dreading facebook's doppelganger week). Or remove the last of the 5 week old nail polish from my toes. (that was gross, sorry). Or I could read my growing stack of magazines that I won't let Phil touch and that attract Sam's little fingers daily. Or I could just sit. Sit still. TV off. Computer, phone, iPad off and out of sight. Or I could go to the gym without the director of the kid's club coming to get me because someone is screaming with separation anxiety after only 20 minutes of cardio. 

I know people who are working moms who complain about those of us who stay at home. There's always a bit of condescension in their tones when referring to "stay at home moms". I think the common assumption is that it's so easy to stay home. It must be so nice to just sit and do nothing all day instead of work. My challenge to you - trade a day with me. Because it really is fantastic. Watching Oprah. Eating bon bons. 

I'm going to give myself a time out. It appears after this quasi snarky post that I need one! :) Each day for hopefully 30 minutes, I'll be in time out. I don't know yet what I'm going to do with all of my free time, but I can promise you that after I get a few minutes of ME time, I will love appreciate even more that I get to watch these little legs try to nail that crawling thing down. They really are good little legs.