documenting

and in the dark, i can hear your heartbeat

i tried to find the sound

but then it stopped, and i was in the darkness

so darkness i became

the stars, the moon, they have all been blown out

you left me in the dark

no dawn, no day, i'm always in this twilight

in the shadow of your heart

38 weeks 5 days. 

I hate this day. The day I gave a still birth to Henry. It was a Thursday then too. It also fell on a Thursday with Sam. Is that why I was "in labor" yesterday? Did I create a false labor in my head to avoid having this day again? I don't think my mind is that powerful, and I certainly know I have no control over my body anymore so I don't think I could have done that. But it's all still draining, exhausting, challenging, my mind and heart never so full of doubt. And then guilt. And nothing rational. Trying not to shut down. Trying to pull myself out of the darkness so that I can appreciate the light that is coming. Because full of doubt or not, I know he'll be here soon. And I don't want to be consumed with darkness when that happens. 

So what do I do? I document. Because I know remembering the times of darkness are just as important to remember as the times we are bursting with joy. They bring perspective. They remind us, once the light has come, of where we once were. And on this day I hate more than any other in my pregnancy, I'm documenting. Wanting to put it on "paper" to get it out. Because I don't like to feel the word "hate" when I'm literally full of life. Kicking, punching, cramping, rolling, heartburn causing life. It's not how I want to start Booger's life. So I'm shaking it out here. The only way I know how. 

ETA:
Although its always tough for me to hit the"publish" button after writing a post, I always feel relieved when I do. Writing these few words down this morning let me get the negative out of my head and make room to hear and appreciate the positive things from my Dr today. Booger is doing really well and we will get to meet him Saturday, if not before. :) thank you all for your encouraging words and thoughts during this otherwise difficult day.

Within arms reach.

Today was our march. It was cold. It was raining. I decided a few weeks ago I wasn't going to walk the whole walk. I knew my body couldn't take it at 36 weeks. And I was right. Aside from the weather I would have been miserable. So I came before the walking started to thank my team for coming and braving the elements all for my Henry. I wore his bracelet around my ring finger and snapped some photos of the event.

Where we were standing it was hard to hear the speakers during the opening ceremony. As I walked through the crowd to get closer and take some photos, I heard them recognizing the top family teams from last year. As I heard them say Team HPB was the top family team, I didn't cheer or shout as other teams had. With my camera to my eye I pretended to take photos as the tears came. I stood in the crowd of strangers trying not to be a complete mess and so proud. Proud that my sweet boy who never breathed a breath of life was the reason over $8,000 was raised last year and almost $6,000 this year. Proud that since he came into our lives, he has pushed us to raise almost $20,000 for the March of Dimes. Maybe it was partly due to pregnancy hormones. Maybe it was tears of exhaustion which come frequently these days. Maybe.

But maybe it was the fact that it caught me off guard. Maybe that I was standing alone. I tend to prefer it that way. Dealing with life while standing alone, knowing my support only a few steps away if I needed it. Stubbornly resisting the urge to ask for help and pushing myself to be strong. Stronger. Strongest. I know that might be incredibly frustrating to my friends and family. But that's me.

As Sam has settled into the new house, he has slowly gone back to his normal independent ways. It took a few weeks, but he will now go to the playroom by himself. He will bring Daisy upstairs with him and color me a picture while I'm downstairs doing something else. He will bring the picture to the upstairs area that opens to the landing hold it up with a big smile while I tell him how great if is and how we will hang it up for Dada to see when he gets home from work. The independence upstairs lasts a few minutes then he is ready to come downstairs to me again. He prefers me at arms reach most of the time so his moments of bravery are bittersweet for me. I'm proud of him and his growth. And I'll hold a little tighter when I can knowing he is becoming my sweet and determined little boy. Who happens to be very good with his drawings. Or is it "markerings" when you use those fat markets that only color on the special paper? Oh well, you get it.

As I was thinking about the day tonight, I moved our Moses basket and rocking stand into our bedroom. Booger will be here in (likely) less than 4 weeks. And while Sam is venturing slowly further from my reach, I know Booger is going to need me close. And, surprisingly, I find myself needing him close already. Needing to be his support. Needing to be able to calm his cries or fill his tummy or wrap him tightly in a snuggle. Although I still have a sense of terror when I think about life with 2 boys, that feeling of being needed provides me comfort and soothes the fears just a little bit.

The day where I hold him for the first time is also within arms reach. And knowing that provides me a tiny bit more healing. The Henry wound on my heart patched a bit more by Booger just as it was by Sam over two years ago.

So maybe that's why the unexpected tears came today as I heard our recognition. Knowing I am still healing. Knowing I still remember. Knowing everything that makes my heart as whole as it will ever be is right at my finger tips. And knowing I need to reach out and hug it all very tightly. And not let go.

Mental Nesting

Nesting. I mockingly chuckle at the idea of it when I'm not pregnant, but when I am I can't deny the strange desire, no, NEED, to do it. It's bizarre really. Part of the need this time around is the thought that with two kids I'll never have time or energy to organize anything ever again. Dramatic, I realize. Irrational? Likely. But my reality none the less. What's hard is not knowing where I should nest. We are in the process of finding the right house for our expanding brood. It's not as fun a process as I anticipated. And I've been anticipating it for at least 5 years now. Probably more.

As my belly gets bigger, the house gets smaller. I drank the potion and am expanding by the second. It definitely feels like the walls are closing in and the doorways getting smaller. I'm not sure how I fit through them the last time! The booger has no designated room. I have no designated space. There's no room anywhere for Sam to put anything he might get for his upcoming 2nd birthday. And all I want to do is figure out where to create the space. Figure out where I can put this and that. Try to remember where the tiny baby things are. Some is in storage. Some in the basement. Some probably still behind Sam's crib where he likes to hide things. It's a mess. My head is a mess trying to sort it all out. I've been trying to busy myself with other things to distract from this feeling, but what happens is I'm feeling it anyway and the other things get pushed to the side. I am not even 100% sure what we are going to name this kid, I need to have something real here to feel like he is actually coming.

So while I try to figure out how to do that, Sam is distracting me every day. In a good way (usually). He is obsessed with "taking pictures". He talks about the car-car all day long. He screams with glee at the finale of the Sesame Street song. He wants to be so helpful - feeding Daisy (which he really does), putting things in the trash (and most of the time they actually belong there), trying to put on his own socks (which he gave up on and put one on his nose the other day). He mimics our actions, and thankfully not our words yet. Well at least my words. Phil doesn't say bad words.

His giggles, smiles, and ornery tactics make me smile entirely too much each day. I fear I'm relying too much on him to keep me from going into a bad funk while we search for our house and get through this stressful time. But I don't think he feels the pressure. I think he just feels love. He loves to hug tight. To sneak into a spot I was sitting as soon as I move out of it just to tease me. To hide something I'm looking for and put his pointer finger to his lips and say "Hmmmm" as he pretends to be unaware of where it is. Without those things, my day would simply suck. And the drool. Oh yes, there is still an INSANE amount of drool. I don't even care anymore. It took almost 2 years for me to not care. But really, it's just plain weird there's so much of it it's become comical. Still incredibly gross, but comical.

My funny valentine. What would I do without you?

New

Well, another year has gone by. I looked back to my first post of 2011 and saw that I vowed to splurge for a sitter on New Years Eve. Well that didn't happen. My first goal of 2011 and I didn't keep it!

I always hesitate to write down my goals at new years. I don't really believe in New Years resolutions. I think we should resolve to do things all year not just on the first day. But really, if I write them down, them I'm held accountable for all those things I didn't do. All the disappointment. It's the same reason I hate to-do lists. I have them (actually right now about 20 of them post-ited to my desk) but I hate them. Always looming. Staring at me. The words getting bigger as they try to get my attention and I continue trying to ignore them by covering them up with random things I find. Right now one is being covered up by my stapler. Another by a new bottle of body wash I haven't yet put away in the bathroom.

But as I take mental note of the resolutions I won't be writing down, I'm thinking about all the new things on the horizon for us this year. The obvious new baby who is going to give me a run for my money - I just have a feeling. The new ventures for my business - the photography workshop and wedding photography. A new house hopefully before the baby comes and we burst out of the seams of our current one. Some pretty life changing things.

It might be a struggle to keep the sanity during the next few months, but the only resolution I'm going to write here I think is an important one to hold myself accountable to. I'm resolving to not loose sight of the most important thing - my family. Phil, Sam and yet-to-be-named Booger. I'm going to do everything I can to make sure that while we might be crazy and stressed during the process of renting out our house, looking for a new one, getting prepared as much as we can for another child, that I make sure we all just stop every now and then. Stop to enjoy dinner together slowly and not in a rushed "shovel the food in your mouth quickly because there's too much to do" kind of way. Stop and enjoy a Saturday morning by bundling up and heading to the park or for a long walk to get breakfast together. And to stop and always remember to be grateful that we are able to do all these things we are planning. It's been a long road trying to get to this point for us, and for many the road is even longer. For both having children and buying a home. We are incredibly lucky and I won't loose sight of that.

And speaking of lucky, we got to spend New Years day with a super cute Caroline. And Sam poured tea for everyone, whether they wanted it or not. Daisy snuggled with Snoop Dog. And Sam got to ride his favorite Christmas present (an antique John Deere pedal tractor) that is temporarily being held at the Harkins Garage.

AND, in case you haven't noticed, the blog got a bit of a makeover. I figured it's time for a fresh look. AND a new web address! You can simply go to www.boyerhive.com from now on to get our updates! Isn't that handy?!?

Light at the end of the tunnel??? Could it be?

I did it. I scheduled an induction for Tuesday(3/9) at 7am. I don't feel as guilty about it as I thought I might. I've been progressing, but am going crazy and I mentally can't take being pregnant any longer. Since I'll be 39 weeks on Saturday, Bubba is healthy full term and fully developed. I would have scheduled it for Monday but it was booked. I would have done it today but that wasn't an option! So unless Bubba takes my advice and comes earlier, I'm looking right at the longest 4 1/2 days of my life. I predict I'll be spending a lot of time with pay per view movies and working on marketing materials for the business.

I wonder if I really need to add the induction to my outlook calendar? I doubt I'll need the standard 15 minute appointment reminder, but hey - you never know.

Dear Bubba

Dear Bubba,
Thank you for still moving around like a banchee letting me know you are ok in there. Can you try to make these movements a bit more productive? The big bubble of water you are in? Go ahead and punch right through that. It's ok, Mommy won't be mad at you for breaking something. I want to meet you very badly and if you break the bubble, we can see each other very soon! It's fun out here and I think you would like it. I know you are comfy and snug in there, but I will make sure you are both of those things and more out here. Mommy's going a teensy bit crazy being pregnant for 21 months and would love to have a break.
I love you very much and I hope to meet you soon.
Love,
Mommy

We're still here...

So It's been a few weeks since the last post. Frankly there wasn't much to write about except for all of the bitching I would do about all the discomfort!

In a quick wrap up - Dr appointments every week, hips are sore, heartburn never ending, Bubba is on the LARGE side, my last day of work was the 19th, more hip pain and heartburn, lots of intense kicks and punches, cramping and pressure everyday, peeing every few hours especially in the middle of the night.
Thats what you've been missing! All good things though really.

We are about to hit some milestones that I've been dreading a bit. Yesterday's dr appointment was my "37 week" appt. Im 38 weeks tomorrow. My 37 week appointment with Henry was the same scenerio 37 weeks 5 days. That appointment was the last time we heard Henry's heartbeat. So at the appointment yesterday, I had my usual non-stress test. Bubba was NOT cooperating. He was moving like a banchee, kicking the monitor off whack and so the reading after the standard 20 minutes was not consistent. I stayed on for about another 20 minutes, and I didn't see a difference in the heart rate pattern, but the Dr said it was better and that everything was fine. Obviously something like that left me a bit uneasy - even more so because of the significance of the appointment date. I know they would not have let me go or said it was fine if it wasn't...they take good care of us there.

Saturday, tomorrow, is another day significant day to get through. We found out about Henry at my appointment at 38 weeks 5 days. They think he died several days before then. Looking back, I think he died the Saturday night before- the day I turned 38 weeks. That day this time is tomorrow. I have an awesome day filled with lovely distractions, lunch mani pedi day with my mom sisters and girls, but it still might be tough.

The amount of pressure I have and the cramping leads meto believe (probably ignorantly and incorrectly) that Bubba is getting really ready to come out. Lets hope so. He's good and strong in there, he's full term, we are so close and completely ready for him to be here. I would LOVE for him to come on his own and I would LOVE it even more if he would come out before next Thursday. That appointment is one of dread and anxiety, things I have been lucky to escape thus far in my pregnancy knowing they would creep up at some point.

We can get through it. I will survive the next few weeks no matter how trying. I will also survive the heartburn and mountains of Tums I go through daily and the pain in my hips, back, and heart.

But really Bubba, be good to Mommy. If you aren't ready to come out, make sure that you let Mommy know you are ok in there by giving her a good kick in the ribs or something. You have permission.

More WOW, and a few OWs too...

If only I could videotape whats going on inside my alien belly right now you would understand the few OWs part! At 32 weeks 3 days, Bubba is already very ornery. Go figure, I don't know what side of the family he got that from?? (Thanks dad.) The butt juts, bladder olympics (I call it that partly because of the boxing match Bubba has ongoing with the bladder but mostly because of the sprints I have to do every few minutes when he gets a good punch in and I think I'm going to loose it), high fives (Phil had his first tiny high five the other night) - all show me though that he is just rockin and rollin in there. Good and healthy and strong. Braxton hicks hit every night and sometimes during the day too. They aren't painful so much, just definitely weird. And I'm thinking I need to get an exercise ball. Yes I will most DEFINITELY need it around 6 weeks after he arrives, but I need it now just to sit on. In the past I mentally (sometimes audibly) made fun of those pregnant women in the past...you know, the ones who think that bouncing on that dang ball will make them go into labor naturally and easily without meds, tearing or pain. Silly women. No I haven't converted to that school of thought - I'm still cynical and realistic! I fully expect pain, drugs and the full Monty. I need that stupid ball just so I can sit without pain now. And it's easier to get up off it than it is our gigantic over sized couch.

This pregnancy is turning out so far to be pretty different from the last. I welcome those differences. As crazy as I thought Henry was in there, I can already tell the character this bubba is going to be. Last time at 32 weeks, I was so busy putting things away, decorating, cleaning like a banshee. This time - well there is no energy for that. I'm just trying to make it until February 19 - my last day of work. Once I can have time during the day to do a few things here and there, I will be ok.

Now for the WOWs! I got a phone call today from the March of Dimes. I'm sure they call every team captain and say "thanks" and "wow you've raised so much" etc etc. But I really think Team HPB deserves the kudos! We DO have a huge team that is going to walk, and we have raised over $2,000! Remember my original goal was $1,500?? It's now $2,500 and April is a long way away! I am truly amazed at everyone's support especially during hard times. There are so many people and organizations that need support, especially with the unbelievable situation in Haiti right now. March of Dimes is supporting the urgent need for assistance to babies and pregnant women in Haiti. Check out the press release. What a great organization.

Thanks again to all. And Bubba says thanks too (actually all he says right now is "gulp gulp kick kick punch", but you get my drift).  ;)

Dancing Baby

Last Wednesday was our followup sonogram to double check the baby's stomach, profile and heart. I realized that I didn't update anyone on here! Whoops.

I wanted to make sure that he was awake and ready to cooperate so before I went in for the sonogram, I had a half cup of Coke. Well the sonographer fairly quickly found that his stomach was fine and within the normal range (the booger must have been thirsty last time and had a big drink!). Then came the profile shots, which proved a little troublesome since his arms were up in the air creating some major shadows over his face. They got some that they were pleased with and moved on to assess the heart. He was once again face down head up towards mine, feet down towards the ground - completely vertical. After 45 minutes of me rolling around this way and that way and every which way, finally they could tell that all 4 ventricles were functioning great. It was quite the ordeal. He was playing games with us, when I would roll over to my side, ideally he would have rolled with me and they would get the image they needed. But instead, he rolled away from me making it impossible! There was one point where his arms were in the air moving around and his legs were in the air like he was practicing walking. He moved around so much his legs ended up crossed. It was pretty funny. 

He looks like the baby from those dancing baby commercials from a few years ago?

 

See his legs crossed?

 



So bottom line is he is good and healthy. They asked if I wanted to come back for another big sonogram at 28 weeks for piece of mind and I wasn't going to turn down another chance to see him! So that one is on December 23rd.