documenting

and in the dark, i can hear your heartbeat

i tried to find the sound

but then it stopped, and i was in the darkness

so darkness i became

the stars, the moon, they have all been blown out

you left me in the dark

no dawn, no day, i'm always in this twilight

in the shadow of your heart

38 weeks 5 days. 

I hate this day. The day I gave a still birth to Henry. It was a Thursday then too. It also fell on a Thursday with Sam. Is that why I was "in labor" yesterday? Did I create a false labor in my head to avoid having this day again? I don't think my mind is that powerful, and I certainly know I have no control over my body anymore so I don't think I could have done that. But it's all still draining, exhausting, challenging, my mind and heart never so full of doubt. And then guilt. And nothing rational. Trying not to shut down. Trying to pull myself out of the darkness so that I can appreciate the light that is coming. Because full of doubt or not, I know he'll be here soon. And I don't want to be consumed with darkness when that happens. 

So what do I do? I document. Because I know remembering the times of darkness are just as important to remember as the times we are bursting with joy. They bring perspective. They remind us, once the light has come, of where we once were. And on this day I hate more than any other in my pregnancy, I'm documenting. Wanting to put it on "paper" to get it out. Because I don't like to feel the word "hate" when I'm literally full of life. Kicking, punching, cramping, rolling, heartburn causing life. It's not how I want to start Booger's life. So I'm shaking it out here. The only way I know how. 

ETA:
Although its always tough for me to hit the"publish" button after writing a post, I always feel relieved when I do. Writing these few words down this morning let me get the negative out of my head and make room to hear and appreciate the positive things from my Dr today. Booger is doing really well and we will get to meet him Saturday, if not before. :) thank you all for your encouraging words and thoughts during this otherwise difficult day.