she lifts her skirt up to her knees, walks through the garden rows with bare feet, laughing

I think I'm becoming a bit of a yogi. Which is funny to think about because I can barely touch my toes. I took pre-natal yoga classes this fall to make myself feel like I was doing some kind of exercise and I figured it was probably easy (and pre-natal was relatively easy). So when I had left over sessions at Charm City Yoga after Sam was born, I figured I would try out "real" yoga. And I'm hooked. Ready to give up my gym membership, buying tight yoga pants, drinking tea HOOKED.

Last night at my vinyasa class, after savasana, the instructor talked about how if we wanted to "live a magical life" we needed to start loving ourselves rather than putting up with ourselves. I immediately thought "who wouldn't want to live a magical life??" It sounds fantastic! But then my mind snapped out of it's usual sarcastic state and thought about whether I actually loved myself or if I merely put up with myself. It's an interesting question to ask ourselves. I began to analyze.


There are many things about my life that I love. My husband, my son, my family and friends, photography, the farm, etc. I have never been happier in my life actually. I am so blessed to be surrounded by so many wonderful people. I am blessed to be able to start my business with the support of my husband. I am most blessed to have my healthy, smiling baby boy in my life. I feel like my life has just started, too.


Last year, after Henry died, the song "Empty" by Ray Lamontagne was perfect for how I was feeling. The lyrics "will I always feel this way? So empty, so estranged?" were exactly the words for what I was feeling. It's funny that the very first line of that song is something I didn't pay attention to before. I was so focused on the painful words that I didn't pay attention the joyful ones. "She lifts her skirt up to her knees, walks through the garden rows with bare feet, laughing" After one year, I went from so empty to walking in bare feet and laughing. I dont think I could have made it without loving myself. And even if I could have, I dont think I could appreciate those garden rows without loving myself. 


So my answer is yes. I do love myself. And I think my life is pretty darn magical. 


And it will be real magic when I can comfortably get into pigeon pose without grunting.