Sunshine

It's officially Christmas in the Boyer house...well a tiny Christmas anyway. Literally. Our tree is maybe 3 feet? Sam can almost clear it. We debated over the tree because I knew we just didn't have space this year for it since our once pretty empty front room that used to house the tree is now completely cluttered with bright colored noisy toys. If there was a tree there, where would the toys go? We have a pretty tiny house with not many options. So the compromise was a tiny tree. If it's good enough for Charlie Brown, why not us?

Well Phil finally agreed, and since he really wanted a big tree for Sam, it was tough to get the ok. I know Sam would be inside the tree on a daily basis if it were on the ground. Ornaments would break, shards of glass and whatever that glass-like metal is they use to make shiny Christmas balls (seriously what is that stuff?) would be everywhere. Sam didn't seem to mind the size and was frankly more into the lights than the tree.

And then today, winter seemed to finally show its colors with the first snow of the season. Daisy went crazy in the .4 inches but Sam didn't get it. I didn't expect him to really, but he did giggle when he saw Daisy through the back window acting like a fool on the patio. They sat and watched together through Daisy's favorite spying spot.

This week I made our New Years cards. I like to do them better than traditional Christmas cards. There's less pressure, and I think it's usually unexpected to get a new year greeting. Last year I didn't want to do cards. Phil did, but I just wasn't up for it. I had been thinking about what our first Christmas cards with a baby would be since Christmas 08 when I was pregnant with Henry. I just couldn't have another card with a picture of me, Phil and Daisy. It's not what I wanted. So I didn't. The entire last Christmas season was tough. I understand why more people are depressed this time of year. Some people have so much bad in their life, the joy of Christmas is completely drowned in the dark, cold, winter water. I understand that darkness.

But this year. This insane, amazing, unpredictable, fabulous year, there is very little darkness. Pain is still there, but it throbs less and less.

Today, I was reminded of the pain. As I mentioned in another post, I play Pandora's toddler station for Sam during the day. Today "You Are My Sunshine" played and I sang along to the words as I do all the catchy kiddo songs I hear all day. When the second verse started up, I actually listened to the words and gasped. I realized "You Are My Sunshine" is definitely not a children's song.
"The other night dear, as I lay sleeping, I dreamed I held you in my arms.
When I awoke, dear, I was mistaken, so I hung my head and cried."
The words to a seemingly innocent "children's" song brought me back to the first days after we lost Henry. Every cell of my heart ached, and so did my arms. Literally, my arms ached. They were supposed to be holding my baby, and now they were empty and physically aching.

Thinking back to that time was something I hadn't done in a while. I think a little bit about Henry every day, but very rarely does it make me sad. I couldn't possibly be sad with so many beautiful things that have happened in our lives since Henry changed our world. It's a wonderful thing when there,  all the sudden, beautiful trumps darkness. Cuz that darkness? It's a bitch. But a bitch I am grateful not to have to worry about any longer.

We will always have reminders of Henry all over our house. At first, I was worried it would be too  "shriney" and unhealthy. But now, those little "h"'s we have all over reminds us, well me, of what we went through to get to this beautiful life. And they don't bring tears. They bring smiles. Quiet, thoughtful,  blessed smiles.

My favorite reminder of Henry are the angel wings that top our tree. I found them last year at Pier One. I think they cost $1.95, but they could have cost $195 and I would have bought them. Something about them, delicate and small, made me feel the need to stand in a line 4 days before Christmas behind 25 people for a seemingly worthless item. But to me, it's priceless. He will always be present at Christmas.

I've noticed recently that more and more Sam falls asleep with a smile on his face. Maybe all the reminders bring that smile to him. Maybe it's a gas bubble. Either way - I now fall asleep smiling as well. Maybe it's my boys, Phil, Sam and sweet Henry. Maybe its because I look forward to the next day full of adventures and ornery behavior that I love so very much. Likely, it's all of the above. And it's magical.