Last Thursday, a very important family member had a baby. She is a different kind of family member. A "sister from another mister", if you will. As I was waiting to hear how she was doing all morning, I was literally sick. It took everything in me not to throw up. I was pacing, my heart racing, mindlessly swooshing around the swiffer duster just to keep busy. With either of my "real" sisters, I would have been doing the same thing. I had an overwhelming sense that I needed to be there with her. I needed to be there to protect her just incase anything scary happened. Or to help her do whatever she needed. But with no morning sitter, I was stuck with my sweaty palms and clean wood surfaces. I was in the car on the way to the hospital when I got the text that baby Maija was born. I lost it. I was so excited for Larisa to feel that feeling. The knock you on your ass, completely blindsiding, overwhelming sense of love -no, more than love - I knew she would feel when she saw her baby.
I think it's one of the many ways having my own family has changed me. It made family that much more important and I didn't know that was possible. My sister had Aidan 12 years ago. I was a senior in high school. I was mostly unaware of the importance of it. I was super excited to be an aunt and I loved Aidan from the first time I saw him, but I didn't get it. I didn't get what my sister would go through becoming a mother.
Other girlfriends who are also like my sisters have had babies recently. Kristyn has 2 kids - when Maggie was born I wasn't mentally in the same place with having kids and I couldn't appreciate her becoming a mother the way I should have. And her Harper was born the same week as Sam so I was a bit pre-occupied. Rachel had Royce a few months before Sam was born. I didn't see her in the hospital. I wanted to so badly, but I couldn't get myself together. Honestly, I was incredibly jealous of her. She was the first friend to have a baby after we lost Henry and I was so jealous she was going to have her baby. The same doctors, the same hospital, a little boy. I laid in bed for a few days and mourned for Henry again, 10 months after he died. At the time I felt so selfish. But now I know that I needed that grief to come at that moment, so that by the time Sam got here, I could put part of it behind me.
As I got that text saying Maija was here, Timshel by Mumford and Sons was playing in my car. I couldn't help but notice the lyrics and how fitting some of them were for the situation. Through my tears - many many tears - I listened to the words.
"And you are the mother.
The mother to your baby child,
The one to whom you gave life.
And you have your choices
And these are what make man great
His ladder to the stars
But you are not alone in this
And you are not alone in this
As brothers we will stand and we'll hold your hand
Hold your hand."
I am still a very inexperienced mother. Although I believe I became a mother back in July of 2008 when I found out I was pregnant the first time, I technically only have11 months under my belt. And sometimes you do feel alone. I know I do. Being home with Sam all day. It can be lonely. When people say, "it takes a village" I think they are on to something. I know I couldn't be any kind of mother without the support of my village people. My friends, my family. I am so happy and proud to be a part of Larisa's village. None of us are alone in this. And our ladder to the stars? Well, that's just reminding us that something above us has a part in the life we create - new life as well as our own. I don't think it has a thing to do with religion, but having 2 miracles myself, I know a little bit about that ladder to the stars. I might not acknowledge it enough, but everyday I know it's there.
How lucky Sam is to already have his family extending more. Another cousin on the way due on my grandfather's birthday. I called my sister on Maija's birth day and told her I didn't think I could go through that anxiety again and I was going to need a Xanax prescription before she had the baby in June. Because I know I will go through the same excitement knowing that Kristin will soon know, too, that knock you on your ass kind of love. But as her sister I will stand and hold her hand, and welcome my niece or nephew to the village.
Welcome to the world, Maija Vivian. You are in excellent hands.
2 comments:
So beautiful. Thank you for the good kind ogf cry this morning. I needed it!
Meghan, this was an awesome, post. You summarize things so perfectly. I have often thought about the "not getting it part." My cousin is a senior in high school and has been super involved with Joseph. I myself was in high school when she was born. While I know she loves Joseph, and I loved her. You just don't get it until you've experienced it personally. There are so many feelings that only another mother understands :)
One day, I hope I can be there when she gets to experience such a wonderful blessing in her life! And then I think, she will reflect on the "not getting it part" too :)
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