Within arms reach.

Today was our march. It was cold. It was raining. I decided a few weeks ago I wasn't going to walk the whole walk. I knew my body couldn't take it at 36 weeks. And I was right. Aside from the weather I would have been miserable. So I came before the walking started to thank my team for coming and braving the elements all for my Henry. I wore his bracelet around my ring finger and snapped some photos of the event.

Where we were standing it was hard to hear the speakers during the opening ceremony. As I walked through the crowd to get closer and take some photos, I heard them recognizing the top family teams from last year. As I heard them say Team HPB was the top family team, I didn't cheer or shout as other teams had. With my camera to my eye I pretended to take photos as the tears came. I stood in the crowd of strangers trying not to be a complete mess and so proud. Proud that my sweet boy who never breathed a breath of life was the reason over $8,000 was raised last year and almost $6,000 this year. Proud that since he came into our lives, he has pushed us to raise almost $20,000 for the March of Dimes. Maybe it was partly due to pregnancy hormones. Maybe it was tears of exhaustion which come frequently these days. Maybe.

But maybe it was the fact that it caught me off guard. Maybe that I was standing alone. I tend to prefer it that way. Dealing with life while standing alone, knowing my support only a few steps away if I needed it. Stubbornly resisting the urge to ask for help and pushing myself to be strong. Stronger. Strongest. I know that might be incredibly frustrating to my friends and family. But that's me.

As Sam has settled into the new house, he has slowly gone back to his normal independent ways. It took a few weeks, but he will now go to the playroom by himself. He will bring Daisy upstairs with him and color me a picture while I'm downstairs doing something else. He will bring the picture to the upstairs area that opens to the landing hold it up with a big smile while I tell him how great if is and how we will hang it up for Dada to see when he gets home from work. The independence upstairs lasts a few minutes then he is ready to come downstairs to me again. He prefers me at arms reach most of the time so his moments of bravery are bittersweet for me. I'm proud of him and his growth. And I'll hold a little tighter when I can knowing he is becoming my sweet and determined little boy. Who happens to be very good with his drawings. Or is it "markerings" when you use those fat markets that only color on the special paper? Oh well, you get it.

As I was thinking about the day tonight, I moved our Moses basket and rocking stand into our bedroom. Booger will be here in (likely) less than 4 weeks. And while Sam is venturing slowly further from my reach, I know Booger is going to need me close. And, surprisingly, I find myself needing him close already. Needing to be his support. Needing to be able to calm his cries or fill his tummy or wrap him tightly in a snuggle. Although I still have a sense of terror when I think about life with 2 boys, that feeling of being needed provides me comfort and soothes the fears just a little bit.

The day where I hold him for the first time is also within arms reach. And knowing that provides me a tiny bit more healing. The Henry wound on my heart patched a bit more by Booger just as it was by Sam over two years ago.

So maybe that's why the unexpected tears came today as I heard our recognition. Knowing I am still healing. Knowing I still remember. Knowing everything that makes my heart as whole as it will ever be is right at my finger tips. And knowing I need to reach out and hug it all very tightly. And not let go.

Manipulation and Dum Dums

What a day. I learned that Sam's head is incredibly hard, literally. Falling off the bed, he hit his head on the windowsill at 7am. Good morning. A HUGE knot. But the skin never broke. I don't know how.

I also learned that he is smarter than I thought. He used his injury to try to get what he wanted. This morning, wound still fresh in both of our minds, he pointed to the canister where I keep the Dum Dums. I said "no, it's breakfast time, we can have one later this afternoon". He looked at me, put his hand dramatically over his goose egg and started to whimper. I seriously thought to myself, "maybe one wouldn't hurt, the poor kid". Next thing I know, strawberry flavored drool is all over his pajamas and it's only 8:30am.

The pleads for sympathy rolled in all day. Pretending to hurt himself just for an extra hug or kiss. I'm happy to oblige. I dread the day where the injury takes more than a Mommy kiss to heal. Dread.

On another note, you might notice another page link listed above. You guessed it, it's time again for Team HPB to get out the walking shoes! Please visit the page for more info in how you can help this year.

My office being taken over by Sam. And George of course.

I love his little hiney in his cords. 

HPB

A few weeks ago on Henry's birth-day, I wrote how I didn't know what to think about it being two years ago that he died. I am beginning to grasp what has been going through my mind and though not many words are in my head to describe it, I'm going to see what comes out of my fingers as I type.

I began to realize my feelings, and the words that might best describe them, as I took this photo today. This is Henry's weeping cherry tree at my parents house. It has grown tall and beautiful these last two years. And I took a lot of photos today of its pink blossoms, its buds about to bloom and the beautiful tiny petals. A lot of photos more beautiful than this one. When I took it, two words came into my head and I knew it wasn't just describing this tree or this photo. This photo, to me, is both haunting and beautiful, and so is what happened to us and Henry.

I still have a hard time wrapping my head around it. So many things have happened in the last 2 years. So many things that have made my brain potentially permanently cloudy. And I have an ability to push thoughts in the back of my mind; way in the back where those clouds are extra thick and stormy. I don't tend to think about what actually happened, as in the details of the day and the details of the emotions. The grief. The pain. But sometimes, something happens and I stop and say in my head,  "Holy shit. Our baby died." It's almost as if it happened to someone else. It wasn't us. I feel so bad for those people that happened to. To loose their baby, I can't even imagine. It wasn't us. And then I remember laying on the table in the OB office, sonogram jelly still warm on my 39 week stomach, looking up at the doctor who's own tears were falling down on my face as she squeezed my hand. I remember thinking "I have to call my mom. She's going to be heartbroken." and "How is Phil going to get through this?" and then I heard "most of the time we never know why these things happen" as I was thinking "I knew the braxton hicks contraction 4 days ago was the last time I felt him move. Why didn't I pull the car over?" and "how am I going to deliver this baby?"

I called my mom and I think I called my sisters, but to be honest, I dont remember for sure. I cleaned up my face before walking back out in the waiting room. There were too many happy expecing mothers, I didn't want them to worry.

My defense system in my head is rock solid. I protect myself really well from feeling too much pain, stress, worry. It lets enough through that I'm human, but not enough that I am immobilized which is what I would have been had the system failed this particular day. It kicked in and Meghan went blank. Someone else took over and I got that IV, started that pitocin, cussed my way through 2 epidural attempts and thankfully only a few minutes of pushing. Someone else quickly held that baby boy. Looked at him not understanding.

Today, we walked honoring Henry in the March of Dimes, March for Babies. Our team raised WAY more than we expected and for a while I couldn't figure out why we have been so successful. I didn't understand why so many people would care that much about our little team, our little story. But I realized it really isn't a little story. It's likely, hopefully, the biggest story to happen in my life. People might care because they really are the ones saying "to loose their baby, I can't even imagine." Or it might be that it's not about us at all. Maybe they have their own stories. Their own death, heartbreak, struggles with pregnancy and miscarriage, premature birth, NICU stays, Down Syndrome. Maybe it's about them. There are unfortunately too many sorrowful reasons why one would want to help out a cause that strives to make sure every baby is born healthy. No matter who's story it is, no matter why someone is walking on a blustery, cold, early Sunday morning, it's about honor and remembering. For me, I needed to remember those details. To remember the pain. The raw hurt. The wound left open to heal itself that still seeps from time to time.

Our world changed March 26, 2009; but it kept moving on. I need to remember to let myself feel that hurt. Because if I don't, I'm just moving without any recollection of all that happened to get me where I am. Am I healed? No. I'm a damn good faker though, and I might get there one day. But I hope I don't. I hope I carry a little bit of hurt. Because all the photos and weeping cherry trees and "H" paraphernalia around doesn't make me really remember. The hurt does.

And it's haunting. And it's beautiful.

And the cause of my sore elbow this weekend. He is a booger not wanting to be more than 3.5 inches away from my side, but damn if he isn't worth the inflammation in my joints and pain across my forehead he caused. :)

Thank you!

Although I haven't mentioned it in a while, don't think all of your incredible support has gone unrecognized! We have raised over $3800 already for Team HPB's March for Babies Team!! Holy CRAP! That is seriously amazing.

If you haven't signed up and want to, it's not too late! We are walking in Bel Air on April 17. Click on the link and follow the instructions to join the team! If you cant walk with us that day, consider donating just a few dollars, whatever you can. This is the latest update. Our team is the #1 team! AND my kick-a sister is the #1 walker :) 

Also, if you are in the area, you should go to Chick-fil-A on Monday March 28 from 5-8pm! 20% of the sales will be donated to March of Dimes!! You must bring the flier below in order to get credit. If you are interested and would like the PDF to the flier, I'm happy to email it to you. Just let me know! (meghan.boyer@yahoo.com)

Click the logo below to donate or join now!





Thank you! And I hope to see you on April 17th!!

XOXO,
Meghan

longing for spring

It really is crazy how one week changes everything. Last week, we were watching this:

http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=1858120535810&comments (sorry, cant get the video to load to blogger....will work on it)

Sam had taken maybe 2 steps before this venture. You can tell when he is about to try something new - he looks right at you with this big grin and he just does it. Like he wants you to see the courage he has. Well one week later, he is walking all over the house. He still looks at you and grins, like he knows he is the coolest. Mostly he walks to Daisy. He stands up, finds where she is, and zombie struts over to her then flops right on top of her. Giggling the whole way. It's way fun. 

his smiley zombie face

his "attack mode" face. he sees daisy . . . then pounces. 

 We have had a few days of nice weather in the last week or so. Last week it was over 70 degrees and so Sam and I went to the park for some fresh air. I think I had more fun than he did, but thats probably because he was mad at me most of the time there since I kept taking the delicious sticks out of his mouth.

It was a breezy 70 degrees, but it made the flag look nice atop the hill. I pointed out to Sam that the "flag was waving in the wind" . . .

 And he started to wave to the flag. Something got lost in translation, but it was cute nonetheless. :)

 He played on the slide for the first time, and seemed to be proud of himself!

We went back to the park today. I love that although we went often in the fall, it's such a new experience for him because he doesn't remember. It's fun for me because I get to see that "first time" excitement in his face twice :) and so does Phil!

I'm not sure who was walking better, Phil with his brace, or Sam with his slow exaggerated steps :)

walking

After things happened that shattered my world, I kept walking. I didn't turn around. I might have slowed down here and there, but I kept walking. I always have to keep walking. It's the only way I get through. If you keep walking you are bound to come across some beauty. Beauty that comes from those world shattering moments. Beauty that you simply can't see if you stand still in the ruins.

Last April, we walked. We laughed. We remembered. We smiled. We came together and raised nearly $5700 for the March for Babies Team HPB. It was just over a year since we lost our Henry, and just 6 weeks since we were blessed with our Samuel.

When Phil and I decided we wanted to walk last year, we were excited to set up a team and hopefully raise a few dollars for this organization we believe in so much. I thought $500 as a team goal was probably too high, but I figured if we had to put in more of our money to meet it, then so be it. That $500 was met within a week of sending out the first email. So I raised the goal. And then raised it again, and again. And on the day of the walk I was so proud of all of my friends and family who were a part of this incredibly special day for me and Phil. We were the top family team in Harford County.

I remember participating in this very walk as a kid with a friend and her mom. I didn't know anything about the March of Dimes except that it helped sick babies. I now wish I knew why they were walking. I wish I knew their story. It might be like mine. But back then, it wouldn't have meant to me what it does now. I know that to some people this is "just a walk" or "just another fundraiser" and thats okay. But to me, this is by no means just another walk. This is our small way to keep Henry's memory alive. This is our small way to contribute to an organization that can help fund research so another family doesn't have to loose their Henry.

Please consider joining our team and helping raise money and awareness for this fantastic organization. If you don't want to walk but want to contribute, click below and donate online. Every little bit counts. And every dollar is appreciated so very much.

★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★


And since I simply can't post without a bubba pic (or twoish) . . .

 I'm not sure why he looks like a homeless man here? whats up with that hair?

my poor neglected blog...

So I have less time to blog than I thought! Who would have thunk it?

I'm going to try to blog more and post more frequent pictures, but I can't promise anything!

BUT I'm really here writing to remind everyone that the March of Dimes walk is this Sunday in Bel Air. Team HPB is the biggest family team in the walk! We have done such a great job and it's not too late to do even better! :) Go to TEAM HPB's WEBSITE to make your last minute donations. It's easy to do and it goes to an amazing organization for a great cause.

Thanks to all of you who have already donated! We are almost at $6000!!!

Let me know if you have any questions or problems making your donations! You can always send me an email.

Lots of love,
Meghan

Our March

You might remember we are walking to raise money in Henry's honor for the March for Babies on April 18. I want to remind everyone that you can still donate to our team, or join our team and walk with us.

Everyone has been so generous and supportive already! I got word from the Harford County March of Dimes office that TEAM HPB was the top team for the walk!  We have raised almost $4000! I don't even remember now what our initial goal was, I think somewhere around $1500. Thanks to everyone's support I've raised it to $4200! I think we can easily do that and it's amazing.

If you haven't had a chance yet to donate, please go to our team page and do it. Know you are helping an amazing cause and honoring a beautiful little boy.

DONATE HERE

Thanks again for the incredible support!

More WOW, and a few OWs too...

If only I could videotape whats going on inside my alien belly right now you would understand the few OWs part! At 32 weeks 3 days, Bubba is already very ornery. Go figure, I don't know what side of the family he got that from?? (Thanks dad.) The butt juts, bladder olympics (I call it that partly because of the boxing match Bubba has ongoing with the bladder but mostly because of the sprints I have to do every few minutes when he gets a good punch in and I think I'm going to loose it), high fives (Phil had his first tiny high five the other night) - all show me though that he is just rockin and rollin in there. Good and healthy and strong. Braxton hicks hit every night and sometimes during the day too. They aren't painful so much, just definitely weird. And I'm thinking I need to get an exercise ball. Yes I will most DEFINITELY need it around 6 weeks after he arrives, but I need it now just to sit on. In the past I mentally (sometimes audibly) made fun of those pregnant women in the past...you know, the ones who think that bouncing on that dang ball will make them go into labor naturally and easily without meds, tearing or pain. Silly women. No I haven't converted to that school of thought - I'm still cynical and realistic! I fully expect pain, drugs and the full Monty. I need that stupid ball just so I can sit without pain now. And it's easier to get up off it than it is our gigantic over sized couch.

This pregnancy is turning out so far to be pretty different from the last. I welcome those differences. As crazy as I thought Henry was in there, I can already tell the character this bubba is going to be. Last time at 32 weeks, I was so busy putting things away, decorating, cleaning like a banshee. This time - well there is no energy for that. I'm just trying to make it until February 19 - my last day of work. Once I can have time during the day to do a few things here and there, I will be ok.

Now for the WOWs! I got a phone call today from the March of Dimes. I'm sure they call every team captain and say "thanks" and "wow you've raised so much" etc etc. But I really think Team HPB deserves the kudos! We DO have a huge team that is going to walk, and we have raised over $2,000! Remember my original goal was $1,500?? It's now $2,500 and April is a long way away! I am truly amazed at everyone's support especially during hard times. There are so many people and organizations that need support, especially with the unbelievable situation in Haiti right now. March of Dimes is supporting the urgent need for assistance to babies and pregnant women in Haiti. Check out the press release. What a great organization.

Thanks again to all. And Bubba says thanks too (actually all he says right now is "gulp gulp kick kick punch", but you get my drift).  ;)

Wow.

So earlier this week when I set up Henry's team for March of Dimes' March for Babies, I had no idea what to expect. I set the team goal for $1500 total since I have never run a team for anything before I didn't know what to expect to raise. I thought $1500 was a good amount and I would feel really good if we could raise that much money for the cause in Henry's name.

Within 2 days of starting Henry's team, my incredible friends and family have come together to raise over $1350. I think it's safe to say that we will FAR surpass my now measly goal! Especially with 3 months left until the walk.

The support is overwhelming and heartwarming. I can't thank everyone enough for already doing so much - only 48 hours in!

If you haven't joined or donated yet and want to, you can do so here.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

March for Henry

On April 18, 2010, Phil and I (and hopefully some of you) are joining with March of Dimes, March for Babies, to honor Henry and build support for the March of Dimes' efforts to improve the health of babies by preventing birth defects, premature birth, and infant mortality. Hopefully with your support, we can use this event to raise some money to go toward this great organization and prevent another family from going through what we went through in losing Henry too soon.


Please visit our team page and consider signing up to join Henry's team or help us reach our goal by donating to the cause in memory of Henry.

Thanks so much for all of your support!