recovery

Well Sam's fever hung around this morning too, but it went down. By the afternoon, it was normal and I thought we were recovered! But tonight, it is back and so is the medicine. The thing is, I am not worried about him. I'm sure it's just some kind of virus he is fighting off. I know Phil worries enough for both of us. But not worrying about him makes me worry that I should be worrying about him.

I think I worry differently than other people. I worry in my head all the time. But I don't want anyone to know that at the time. I need to think through the worry, rationalize it. Determine if it is something that really needs worrying, or if I'm just being silly. Most of the time, whatever it is, doesn't need worrying and in the end I'm glad I thought it out before I started sweating and pacing. I don't want to start sweating and pacing because then others will start sweating and pacing. I guess it's about control. If I'm under control, it's ok for someone else not to be.

I worked really hard when I was growing up to make sure people thought I had the "I don't care" attitude. Especially in college. Sheesh. There were definitely people who saw through the facade. I think part it was because I didn't want anyone else to worry - about me especially. I always wanted other people to let loose and forget whatever it was they were thinking about. And I let loose plenty, I forgot the things I was thinking about too, momentarily - at least until the morning when the buzz wore off. It was training, in a way, to learn how to take care of myself better than anyone else could. The thing is, now I struggle letting anyone else take care of me when I need it.

I always knew I would be a wife, a mother, someone who would be taking care of a house full of people. Thats what I always wanted. When Pop-Pop used to ask me when I was a kid what I wanted to be when I grew up, I remember telling him more than once "I want to be a mommy." He would chuckle and tell me I should have seven kids, just like he and Grandma. I also wanted to be an author of children's books. And a photographer for National Geographic who went into the jungle to capture silver backs in all their glory. And a vet. And a lawyer - although I'm pretty sure that one was a short lived dream that didn't make it out of the 5th grade. But I always knew I would have this life. I have always made sure that if there is something I really want, I'm going to figure out how to get it for myself.

I'm trying now to take a breather. To stop trying to get the next thing I want in life. I'm just enjoying the day. Even if it's filled with fever. Even if it ends up with poo smeared on my forehead. Even if it means I didn't shower and we are all still in last night's PJ's and it's time for bed again. Even if it means the dishes are still calling me from the sink. I love it all. I'll take care of it. I'll snuggle with Sam a little extra and rub his back as he babbles on in his little, whimpering "I don't feel good" voice. I don't want him to worry, so I'll be right there. I couldn't do all that if I were busy sweating and pacing.